Walmart Guts High-Quality Matte Poster

[Running Nmap...]

[Item: The Black Swordswoman Containment Frame]

[Properties]
[Frame Material: 0.75” (1.9 cm) thick Ayous wood, sustainably harvested from the Elven forests of the World Tree. Lightweight but durable enough to frame an apex predator.]
[Canvas Metrics: 10 mil (0.25 mm) thick, 260 g/m² museum-quality matte paper. Specifically selected to withstand the crushing weight of Angelica Valen Solari’s concentrated killing intent without tearing.]
[Visual Output: Vibrant, water-based inkjet print. Calibrated to capture the exact shade of crimson she leaves behind after casually murdering you.]
[Containment Shield: Acrylite front protector installed. Crucial for preventing her suffocating, dark-crimson aura from leaking into your bedroom and crushing your physical form while you sleep.]
[Installation: Hanging hardware included. We highly recommend mounting this where it can maintain unbroken eye contact with you. Productivity increases by 400% when you feel like you're one mistake away from being severed in half.]
[Geographical Ban: Due to strict import regulations, this item CANNOT be shipped to Australia. The local fauna is already hostile enough, and adding Angelica to the ecosystem violates the "Australian Mystical Nah" treaty.]

[System Warning: Do not, under any circumstances, refer to this artifact as "Walmart Guts" within earshot of the subject. The System will not be held liable for any resulting decapitations, dismemberments, or sudden drops into bottomless dungeon pits.]

[Ghost → System TTS] "Bro, why did you print a poster of my sleep paralysis demon?"